Written in May 2016

I’m so afraid of never loving the same again. Many will say “Oh sure you will”, but I know that no love is ever the same. I’m mourning the love that I had given to a person that loved me with everything he had. Yes he hurt me at the end and yes he did wrong in many ways, but I know the pure joy and warm gut feeling of loving each other the same. For some people this sounds silly or wrong, but I came to realize that there is no point of hating him, even though it would be easier to feel hate. I can’t hate him because he is the person who still believes in me and he still cares so much that he would be at my door step in a split second if I needed him. I honestly don’t even know what that means as I would do the same for him and I can’t understand it.

Some of my friends say that we should give it another go, but I know that right now that’s not possible. We are both scared to hurt each other more and we both want to make it in life on our own. If the future holds something mysterious, then maybe, but right now we are moving on. It might not sound like we are, but we know that we are going forward and we are both ready to love other people.

Many reading this will feel sorry for me or will be sad for me. Others will read this and be happy to think that I’m sad or unhappy. Let me assure you all, those who care or the haters, that I’m not to be felt sorry for. I have experienced some of the greatest pain in life and I’m living to be a better person for it. I learned from young age not to put all my eggs in one basket, for nothing is absolute in this world. Therefore, I have built my life without being dependent on men or my parents or anyone else for that matter. What that means is I can live happy even if there are really bad things happening to me in one area of my life. That’s because I keep many areas of my life pure and happy. When I say pure I mean my heart is pure and honest with everyone. In return I’ve gained amazing friendships, as well as amazing relationships with my family. Sometimes I get hurt, but I care more about the benefits of being honest and genuine person rather than the negative side of it, because no matter what you do in life you will always get hurt. Winning or achieving will never be sweet pleasure if there wasn’t any hard work to earn those positive results. The more we accept this the happier we will be.

Obviously none of it is as simple or easy as it’s written, but what other choice do we have than to go forward?

Back to love. Even if I never love like that again I’m sure that I will love some other way. Nonetheless I’m still afraid. My mother tells me I was made of love and I was born to love. And love is in everything not just a partner, but in our friends, family, work, (my car even haha), sports, hobbies, the world, the universe!

I’m just reminiscing on things that made me happy at some point in my life. I rather have had this love even the pain that it came with it. Because having something is better than nothing. It hurts like hell, but I know it made me stronger and it gave me resilience. Sometimes I still cry and other times I cherish those wonderful moments and they make me happy, they still make me happy. His own words, “I’m only keeping our happy times in my memories because they were the only times in my life I was purely and utterly happy and loved.” I take that and I keep it safe in my heart knowing that he is a wonderful person even with his bad choices. I’ve learned from that that I’m a beautiful person, for he loved me unconditionally.

#‎wordsbyilina
@wordsbyilina