My first ever blog post.

24.12. 2013

I’ve been meaning to finish this off and make it my first blog but I couldn’t just continue. The same feelings I had that night are not present and I would be lying if I kept on writing. Therefore, instead of deleting the paragraph below I will leave it there to make its own statement.

23. 09. 2013

Late

Sometimes you only think of what you know. Sometimes you think you know what you want. Until you have no choice in some matters, and then you see the truth the way it might be or it is. Right now I have no choice to go to sleep; because sleep is not coming to me. I don’t really mind even though tomorrow …

One step at a time.

It is quite hard talking about feelings right now; I guess I’m not ready to bare it all. I never believed when others said “I want to be left alone” that they really meant it while they were hurting and needed a friend. Now I do. I’m hurting and I need my family and friends. I’m so lucky to have all these amazing people in my life. I never wanted to start my blog on a negative note. Although I can’t control what 2013 had in store for me, at least I can control what I say here.

I write, about anything and everything. This is my first blog and I’m a bit nervous. I guess it is normal to feel that way but I definitely want you all to come back and read more. I’m not sure if I can say this, might not be in the rule book for writing blogs, but I would like to hear what you like or dislike in my blog. So here we go.

 

Inception

You stop and think what are people going to think of me …? “Oh yes who cares” as we all say. BUT, deep down we always look for approval, by others or the community as whole. Thing is, I don’t really care what others are thinking of me. No seriously, I don’t. For me is what others are thinking of my situation. It’s now very difficult to face my situation because I know there are so many people who, more or less important in my life, will judge OR even worse are happy for my misfortunes. How do I know? Experience, that’s how I know. I observe, I listen, I don’t forget and I analyse. You say “But you might be wrong. ” I know for a fact that I am wrong, many times, but I know when I’m right, because people or situations prove to me that what I’ve predicted it was correct. Other times I might not even know it at all.

 

Here’s the thing that I can recognize in a moment’s interaction with someone. Jealousy. I remember once saying to one of my cousins “I’m not jealous of X’s new diamonds, I’m just happy for her and I’m longing for the same diamonds. ” It’s different when people just simply want the same diamonds as you OR they want your diamonds. Now I know that I’ve been fooled to think that some people very close to me whom I trusted were only jealous of me. And it hurts. Not because they don’t wish me the best in life as I thought they did, but it hurts because I was blind to see the true people they are and I let them fool me. Jealously it’s a curse, I know it’s such a cliché to say that but it’s true. Most of us weren’t given the best things in life on a silver platter, we have courage to go and do what we like to and it is our choices in life that pave the path we walk on. I was talking to a very intelligent person about destiny and she explained the meaning of Existentialism, but more on that another time. However, I just read something that I liked very much and the title was “I don’t believe in destiny, I believe in me. ”

Yesterday was simply a bad day. Three wonderful people helped me with their wisdom and they just let me cry my heart out. Sometimes that’s all you need, someone to listen while you cry the same song over and over. One of them has said to me on many occasions “What good am I if I’m your friend only when you are happy?” such a solid statement. The other one made sure I got it through my head that “It’s time to look after number 1” apparently it’s time for me to start looking after Ilina. The third one said, “Dude, why are you still thinking about this? You are dragging your whole day down, do something for you, to distract you. WRITE!” so I did.

Where I’m now I can hear three angels outside my door who are so beautiful and I’m lucky to have them close by and feed on their innocence, on their childhood dreams and wishes. Thanks to their mother, I’m a bit more positive as well, she has it thought but she is soldiering through life.

Christmas doesn’t make me all nice warm and happy, my memories of Christmas back home make me all that. White Christmas it’s what I want, here and now makes me only nostalgic. Nonetheless, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. To those who are of different religions I wish you a very Happy New Year and enjoy the holiday break. This isn’t my Christmas, by my beliefs Christmas is in January, but hey at least we get some time off from work.

I’m off today to see a wonderful person who has big contribution in my best memories. I’m so excited.

To my parents, I love you with everything I have in me. My being here and now would never have been if you weren’t the people that you are. Miss you so much mama and tato.

To my sisters and nieces and nephews, my love to you is unconditional, I’m blessed to have you all be part of me. Your love for me is what keeps me alive day after day.

To my friends and cousins, you are all unique and you are all in my heart in different ways for different reasons. You are closer then family on many occasions and without you all I couldn’t be the best version of myself.

To my husband, I will always love you in ways you can’t even imagine, despite everything that has happened this year.

I can’t wait to kick 2013 in the butt and say Goodbye, never ever NEVER come back again. Worst year in my life by far. But, I’m looking forward to 2014 and with hopes that it will be a lot better.

Those of you and you know who you are, who have helped with no limits this year and before; Thank You from the bottom of my heart!

Yours truly

Ilina

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